The Secession Petition: The President’s Response

The much-discussed Texas secession petition on whitehouse.gov:

We petition the Obama administration to:

Peacefully grant the State of Texas to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government.

Here's how I might respond, were I the President of the United States:

To all the people who have signed this petition:

Look, I appreciate that you're frustrated, and I'll do what I am able to restore your confidence in the Union.

But I've gotta tell you: you haven't actually asked me to do anything. "Peacefully grant the State of Texas to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government" doesn't mean anything. Grant Texas what? Grant Texas permission? Grant Texas the right

If you had asked me to grant Texas permission to secede, I'd happily have given it. Seriously. Thirty-four solidly Republican electoral votes, two Republican senators, and a net loss of fourteen Republicans in the House of Representatives? It's a political no-brainer: godspeed, and good luck securing your southern border. Of course, my permission to secede and a buck fifty still won't buy you a decent cup of coffee: if you want out, you're going to have to sell it in Congress.

But here's the thing: you didn't ask my permission, and because over a hundred thousand of you (I'm not counting those in other states who think you're a bunch of ignorant rednecks and want to be rid of you—because they're wrong) clamored for my attention by signing a semiliterate petition asking that I grant you absolutely nothing, I am concerned for you. The intellectual deficit you demonstrate by taking seriously this meaningless nonsense suggests that you're in need of adult supervision, if not guardianship.

I have seriously considered this grave situation, prayed on it (see, I knew you'd like that), and decided to have you evaluated for competency. Five hundred of you will be randomly chosen as a representative sample, black-bagged, and disappeared temporarily for psychological testing. Fear not: you will be returned unharmed with your memories of the experience erased. Nobody will even know that you were gone. The results of these tests will determine the fate of Texas.

In the unlikely event that most of the five hundred chosen are competent to conduct your own affairs, I'll leave Texas alone and get back to the serious business of bringing Marxism to North America (that's a joke).

Otherwise, I'll ask the Supreme Court to appoint a neutral third party as Texas's legal guardian. What third party? You guessed it: the United Nations. 

Expect black helicopters. I suggest you go into hiding now.

You bunch of barking moonbats.

—POTUS

About Mark Bennett

Mark Bennett got his letter of marque from the Supreme Court of Texas in May 1995. He is famous for having no sense of humor when it comes to totalitarianism.
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14 Responses to The Secession Petition: The President’s Response

  1. Mark's Dad says:

    I didn’t get the joke.

  2. John David Galt says:

    Hey Prez: Pot. Kettle. Black.

  3. Robb Fickman says:

    Let them have a country right on the Border. Let these Tea Party Born Again Racist have their nation. And let the Zetas sort them out. Their stupid petition is treasonous but not worth a bullet. They are dogs. Let these traitors who have no allegiance to our Constitution go to hell or move to fuckin China, North Korea or Iran.

    Traitors All.

    Robb Fickman
    American

    • Mark Bennett says:

      You and Anne Coulter are much too cavalier with the word “treason.”

    • Michael Stuart says:

      I’m sorry, I must have confused who began the destruction of the Constitution.

      In my mistake, I thought it was the federal government; the one in violation of every single article of the Bill of Rights, the one incapable of following the most basic of instructions (congress alone declares war, only gold and silver are money, no standing army longer than two years…).

      I must also have misunderstood “treason” at some point, having accidentally missed its interpretation as “unswerving loyalty to a particular government regardless of the train of abuses it heaps upon the principles of its founding”.

      My bad.

  4. David Ryan says:

    For the most part, I enjoyed the deliciously caustic wit. The over the top reaction of some on the right is ironic – these are the same folks who took celebrities to task for saying they would leave the country if Bush was re-elected. Such hue and cry…

    I did not vote for Obama in either election. I oppose most of his social agenda. However, the election is over, Obama won, and now it is time to get on with addressing the pressing matters facing the country. If “these colors don’t run” has meaning, then the opposition must stand it’s ground for the principles it expouses.

    My one quibble with you, Scribe, is the unfortunate threat to black bag and disappear a few folks. I recall you railing against this President for ordering the killing of US citizens overseas, and this President defending new legislation permitting the secret detention of US citizens in this country indefinitely. I know the humor that was intended, but it still made me wince.

    And I’m not nearly as worried about the black helicopters as I am the drones from the Montgomery County Sheriff’s Office. Somehow I think Ted Poe and you will find common (above) ground on that one.

  5. Pam Lakatos says:

    Thank you for a delightful laugh this morning. No matter what happens during the rest of my day, just the memory of this post will bring a smile and remind me that humor is the best treatment for all things that drive me crazy.

  6. Jackie Carpenter says:

    I wish they would go somewhere, but leave Texas out of it. Come up with your own name for your state/country or whatever it will be. I do like the levity in the letter though. Thanks, Mark.

  7. This is just fantastic…. such a great kick to the knee for all those brilliant humans who think the POTUS is 100% in charge of making anything happen, they always forget about that tiny branch of government called congress.

  8. Michael Stuart says:

    Mark, as ridiculous as the actual petition is…impotent, badly-written, mistaken…

    It’s a start. Over 100,000 people were willing to register with whitehouse.gov–which cuts response rates to internet polls by a factor of fifty in most cases–and express the desire to secede.

    I find it difficult to fault them; they’ve been poisoned with fluoride/vaccines/gmo’s, their minds destroyed in government indoctrination camps, and their history stolen and propagandized. Naturally their thinking will be a bit muddled.

    I’d love pure secession; it’s the easiest peaceful way out of this mess. But pigs will fly first.

    Some have suggested “secession lite”–reframing the Declaration of Independence today and instead of seceding, FIRING the hijacked and criminal federal government.

    Because at the heart of it, Texans don’t want to secede from the idea of America; they want to secede from a federal government that is no longer America.

  9. Bryab Simmons says:

    When they figure out that Texas, much like that libertarian paradise Alaska, is just another red state welfare queen, taking far more dollars from the hated Washington gub’mint than they pay in. This is true for basically all the hard-core red states. Idiots.

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