The Secession Petition: The President’s Response

The much-discussed Texas secession petition on whitehouse.gov:

We petition the Obama administration to:

Peacefully grant the State of Texas to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government.

Here's how I might respond, were I the President of the United States:

To all the people who have signed this petition:

Look, I appreciate that you're frustrated, and I'll do what I am able to restore your confidence in the Union.

But I've gotta tell you: you haven't actually asked me to do anything. "Peacefully grant the State of Texas to withdraw from the United States of America and create its own NEW government" doesn't mean anything. Grant Texas what? Grant Texas permission? Grant Texas the right

If you had asked me to grant Texas permission to secede, I'd happily have given it. Seriously. Thirty-four solidly Republican electoral votes, two Republican senators, and a net loss of fourteen Republicans in the House of Representatives? It's a political no-brainer: godspeed, and good luck securing your southern border. Of course, my permission to secede and a buck fifty still won't buy you a decent cup of coffee: if you want out, you're going to have to sell it in Congress.

But here's the thing: you didn't ask my permission, and because over a hundred thousand of you (I'm not counting those in other states who think you're a bunch of ignorant rednecks and want to be rid of you—because they're wrong) clamored for my attention by signing a semiliterate petition asking that I grant you absolutely nothing, I am concerned for you. The intellectual deficit you demonstrate by taking seriously this meaningless nonsense suggests that you're in need of adult supervision, if not guardianship.

I have seriously considered this grave situation, prayed on it (see, I knew you'd like that), and decided to have you evaluated for competency. Five hundred of you will be randomly chosen as a representative sample, black-bagged, and disappeared temporarily for psychological testing. Fear not: you will be returned unharmed with your memories of the experience erased. Nobody will even know that you were gone. The results of these tests will determine the fate of Texas.

In the unlikely event that most of the five hundred chosen are competent to conduct your own affairs, I'll leave Texas alone and get back to the serious business of bringing Marxism to North America (that's a joke).

Otherwise, I'll ask the Supreme Court to appoint a neutral third party as Texas's legal guardian. What third party? You guessed it: the United Nations. 

Expect black helicopters. I suggest you go into hiding now.

You bunch of barking moonbats.

—POTUS