Andy Nolen, “Lawyer” [Updated Again]

Okay, let’s play “one of these things is not like the other things,” Houston criminal-defense lawyer edition.

Ready?

Which of these things just doesn’t belong?

If you guessed “Andy Nolen”, you’re right.

Because John Floyd, Jack Carroll, Don Becker, Tyler Flood, and Wayne Hill are extremely competent, talented lawyers who have tried criminal cases? It’s a good answer, but not the one I’m looking for.

Because John Floyd, Jack Carroll, Don Becker, Tyler Flood, and Wayne Hill are the kind of criminal-defense lawyers you want on your side when you’re forced into bet-your-freedom litigation? Also a good answer, but again, that’s not it.

Because John Floyd, Jack Carroll, Don Becker, Tyler Flood, and Wayne Hill are honest men who can get hired without playing blatantly deceptive advertising games? Closer, but still not it.

Because Andy Nolen is the only one who has won a Defending People Asshat Lawyer of the Day Award? Getting warmer. . . .

Okay, okay: it’s not really a fair game. What I was looking for is this: Andy Nolen is the only person who got five stars from this guy when he left 13 lawyer reviews on July 19th.

Here’s the guy’s review of John Floyd, whom he gave one star:

Not sure what to say?
Take a look at our Review Guidelines first.
Keep these tips in mind:
Write like you’re telling a friend about your experience. Give specifics and helpful details.
Write fairly about the business or service. Don’t include personal information about the owner or establishment.
Do not use profanity, and do not include your own

Oh, and since he seems to have screwed that one up, he also left this review for John:

Thank God this man isnt defending people on death row, the price of rope would have doubled by now

Here’s his review of Tyler Flood (also one star):

Write fairly about the business or service. Don’t include personal information about the owner or establishment.
Do not use profanity, and do not include your own email, phone number, or other personal details

Here’s his review of Wayne Hill (one star):

I’m not sure I would really recommend this firm. Definately not the cheapest. My wife suggested that I don’t bother to comment, but I feel that’s my right after I paid.

Here’s his review of Jack Carroll (one star):

I just don’t feel that my offense got taken seriously enough by these guys. My future is no laughing matter espescially now adays with the economy tight and these guys being OVERPRICED like that. I worked too hard to keep a roof and car to just loose it all. Get somebody better.

Here’s his review of Jack’s partner Don Becker (one star):

Wanted way too much money, hired someone else. Waited for return calls which i never got, seemed disinterested in me.

And here’s our anonymous friend’s review of Andy Nolen:

…the painful truth is that there are literally hundreds of choices for criminal defense in the Houston and Harris County area, I can simply tell you that when our family was in dire need of fast and affordable legal service, Mr. Nolan responded immediately and got the results we needed. I would recommend him to anyone in trouble period.

Anyone who knows any of these lawyers knows that there is no possible way that these reviews are true. People who have hired Wayne Hill do not then go and hire Andy Nolen (though they might well go in the opposite direction).

Who is responsible for this nonsense? The legal principle of viaticum sequere gives us the most likely answer. That Andy Nolen needs fraudulent reviews (of himself as well as of actual criminal-defense lawyers) as well as the rest of his repertoire of sleazy, deceptive, manipulative advertising speaks volumes not only about his character, but also about his ability.

Or, more precisely, his lack thereof.

[Update: For more on Andy Nolen, see:
Houston criminal-defense lawyer Paul Kennedy: I'm calling you out, Andy Nolen.
Houston criminal-defense lawyer Cynthia Henley: Thinking about hiring Andy Nolen - let's put it this way - you better shop around . . .
Miami criminal-defense lawyer Brian Tannebaum: In Houston, Criminal Defense Lawyer Andy Nolen is the Best. Everyone Else Sucks.
Houston criminal-defense lawyer Murray Newman: When We All Agree
Houston criminal-defense lawyer John Floyd: Houston Attorney Andy Nolen: A Dishonest Lawyer?
Houston DWI Lawyer Dane Johnson: New Lows in Lawyer Marketing - Andy Nolen's style
The Further Adventures of "Lawyer" Andy Nolen
The Continuing Adventures of "Lawyer" Andy Nolen
Andy Nolen: Total Fraud?
Andy Nolen: Today's Last Chapter]

About Mark Bennett

Mark Bennett got his letter of marque from the Supreme Court of Texas in May 1995. He is famous for having no sense of humor when it comes to totalitarianism.
This entry was posted in advertising, Andy Nolen, criminal defense lawyers and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Andy Nolen, “Lawyer” [Updated Again]

  1. Patrick says:

    Among the last things I give would give a damn about when hiring a criminal defense attorney would be his knowledge of Latin legal maxims.

    Yours is the ONLY PAGE IN EXISTENCE that includes the legal principle of “sequere viaticum”. I still can’t figure out what you mean, even though I know a bit of Latin.

    I can see it now. Bennett & Bennett . Their misuse of Latin, or perhaps it was use of Latin so obscure it doesn’t appear in Blackstone, Pliny the Elder, Thomas Aquinas, or Caesar’s Commentaries on the Gallic War, confused me, so I hired Andy Nolen, who explained the term “mens rea” to the jury in a manner I’m sure most of them would understand.

    Of course, if I hit the fan in Houston, I’d hire you. See sentence one. Awful Latin. Great post.

    • Mark Bennett says:

      One of the things lost in the tragic events of this morning was the correction I had made to my legal principle.

      Should be “viaticum sequere.” Follow the money.

      • Stephen Rice says:

        That’s a very handy phrase. I understood viaticum to be Church latin (I had a thorough education if nothing else) and was really confused by why you were asking us to follow the Holy Communion. Why didn’t they settle on a word like pecunia or something easily derivable like that?

      • Mark Bennett says:

        I actually made that up. Would pecunia sequere make more sense?

      • Stephen Rice says:

        Well, I’ve not done any Latin since high school so I’ve forgotten most of the grammar I ever knew. Pecunia is just the basic noun for coins in your pocket sort of money. I can remember that sequor is “to follow” and sequere is the imperative from that so it’s just a matter of making the noun agree with the verb.

        Alternatively I quite like “cui bono” – to whose benefit.

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  5. Lety Maddix says:

    This attorney didn’t return my sons calls after he was hired…He was supposed to meet him half an hour before court time. He didnt show up until court opened. There was no pre-meeting with my son. He did absolutely nothing to earn what he charged. He never opened his mouth in court. Do not hire him!!!

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