UCC: Ban it Fully, or Not at All.">The UCC: Ban it Fully, or Not at All.
I got a letter from a Texas prison last week: contraband had been confiscated from an inmate (not a client) after arriving in an envelope with my return address on it. The contraband was described as “two UCC Packets.”
After dashing off a cross letter to the warden about people using my return address to send contraband to Texas prisons, I investigated why “UCC Packets” might be classified contraband. It seems that some prisoners go around filing vexatious liens against prison guards under the UCC. To try to stop the practice, Texas prisons have proscribed the UCC.
I have no philosophical objection to adding the UCC to the new Index Librorum Prohibitorum. Its arcane powers are so great that they should be available only to the chosen few (by which I mean members of the British Accreditation Registry (B.A.R.)).
As inmates’ loved ones on the outside can get their hands on the One Law to Rule them All (by which I mean the UCC), though, it seems counterproductive to try to keep it out of the hands of inmates. Including it in the same category as drugs, or obscenity, or cell phones only serves to emphasize its dominion. If we want to—and I believe we do want to—maintain the B.A.R.‘s official position, the pretense that the Uniform Commercial Code is not the supreme law of the land, trumping statutes, caselaw, treaties and even the Constitution, then the better course is to let the inmates have their UCCs. If we keep pretending, some of them will believe that the UCC is just a statute governing commercial transactions. (Some of them won’t, but we should be able to trust the courts to dispose of their claims in line with the B.A.R.‘s official position.)
Nobody asked me how to protect the illusion that the UCC is not all-powerful, and I’m not the one making policy for the B.A.R. But I feel strongly that this treatment of the UCC is counterproductive, and I shall say so in my next quarterly report to the Queen.
About The Author
Mark, you’ve made a grave mistake in your choice of subject matter. It and your recent jibes about my anonymity have left me no choice but to reveal my secret identity, leave a comment, and warn you, as a friend, that your life is now worthless and you should leave the United States at once for one of the few, backward countries not controlled by the B.A.R.
My associates and I believe that the less the common folk — especially those legal luminaries in our prison system — know about the UCC, the better. It is indeed the supreme law of the land, and it’s stranglehold has only been tightened by the fact that none of the court in Harris County have proper jurisdiction to say otherwise. Because the American flags displayed in said courtrooms are bordered with gold fringe, they are therefore Admiralty Courts and have no venue to hear criminal cases. If only that had been the case in the California court that heard my case, and, ultimately, sentenced me to jail. I could have easily invalidated their authority over me and gone free. But don’t worry. I will have my revenge.
Your careless words will now cost you everything. As your friend I give you the rare luxury of a warning. As of midnight tonight your blog will be shut down, silent black helicopters will descend on your manor in the Heights, and you and your loved ones will never be seen again…unless you leave right now for the most hospitable Central American massage parlor you can think of.
Knowing that your blog is not long for this world, I can safely reveal my secret identity. I had not wanted to make anyone feel inferior or insecure in the face of my intellect so far, but, as Styx sang — or so I’m told by some incredibly old people — “the time has come at last…to throw away this mask…so everyone can see…my true identity!”
I am anonymous no longer, Mark. I hope you’re satisfied. It was nice knowing you.
Paris Hilton
President, British Accreditation Registry
Supreme Chancellor, Illuminati
Motto: The UCC — it’s hott!!!
What the F____ was all that about? Second thought, I don’t wanna know. Move along there is nothing to see here folks, move along now.
Huh, I thought they’d cleaned up the whole deal about who could apply for UCC liens, etc., after the Republic of Texas fiasco. I’d be surprised if prisoners are filing them.
However, NOT so surprised somebody used your return address without permission trying to smuggle in contraband.
Wow, now I’m glad I spent all those seemingly worthless hours reading about bizarre legal conspiracy theories. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have realized just how brilliantly hilarious this post was. Thanks, Mark!